Struggle is Real!

1/12

I struggle whether I should write this down but it would be unreal if I only record the good but not the bad coz life is not rosy all the time.  

I am always cautious with friends, so when I felt that they are mine, I extended my love whole heartedly.  But often times in reality, this is just my thinking -- and it broke my heart not once but many, many times.  I hid my emotions pretty well and pretended that I don't care, but deep down inside, I do!!  MG is one the few that I am struggling with right now.  We used to hang out when she is in town, but her door is closed since last May when she was upset with my "unwelcomed" advice -- the time she found out her son wanted to move in with his dad.  I thought she needs time for herself and didn't want to open up so I gave her space and left her alone.  It used to be that she would tell me that she wouldn't trust the sisters in the ward, but now I found out that she would go and talk to others but me.  I am glad that she found people to talk to, but the ones who she talked would feed on her story.  I texted her on and off since she came back and tried to arrange for a get together and she would decline my offer.  She didn't mention a word about her mom and son but I knew what's going on with her life as a presidency.  She looked uncomfortable and made a comment that news spread out so quickly when we visited her mom at the hospital.

My heart ached to see our friendship fell apart, and for what she is going through.   I am tired to be a strong person.  I am tired of giving and asking for a relationship that is not base on mutual acceptance.  I fail badly this time!  

Grateful for the power of prayer -- for all that I could think of is to pray for her and her family.
 

 

Grateful for this friend called Judy

Oh Judy!  She is absolutely my favorite person in this ward.  Her gentle gesture made up all the difference for the rest of my time at church today.  When she found out that I was in a foul mood, she gave me a hug, kissed me on my cheek, told me that she loves me and felt sorry that I had a bad experience at church today.  The power of compassionate service was examplifier in her.  She words had soften my heart!!!!

What happened was.... I was totally irritated by some members being so irreverent and inconsiderate of others when they chatted and laughed so loud behind the overflow ignoring the fact that there were members having Sunday school in the chapel.  With my poor hearing, I jumped up to the other side to make a complaint.  It was quiet for a little bit, but then the noise went back up again. In my opinion, for those who choose not to go to the class and would like to chat, they could go to a different location to meet with people.  My spirit was highly distributed, and my thought was like why do these people come when they don't want to be in class to learn?  I am imperfect and that's why I want to come to get help -- to gain a testimony and some spiritual experience.

How are we going to teach our kids to enjoy church, to be reverent, respectful ,and most importantly love the gospel/doctrine if we don't hold true with our own behavior?

Thank goodness for the Lord who granted me Judy!  I love her so, so much!  

Happiness is...

Happiness is when Evan felt comfortable to share with me his thoughts and struggles.  It's tough to go through rough times, and I was totally surprised, and shouted with joy from the bottom of my heart to know that he trusted me and wanted to talk to me about what is going with his life.  I put down all my electronic device, and just focus on him even though his eyes were fixed on the TV.  I don't think he was paying much attention to the program at all as we talk.  Praying for an invitation of the spirit to fill my mind so that I will be able to say the right thing,  teach him the correct principal, and gave him the needed advice next time we had this type of conversation.

The Power of Letting Go...

It's been a full year since the last time I talked to my neighbor, Jan.  The issue with the school bus stop and bus driver has left a wedge to both of our families.  When Ms. Helen didn't show up yesterday, I asked Jan if she knew what happened to Ms. Helen.  She responded calmly (this time) and we chatted a little later on.  Then, I apologized for the things that happened last year without much details and gave her a hug.  She tried to explain her points on the issue again but I was more interested in mending the relationship and move on.  Life has been a little difficult for me in the past few months because Jan was reluctant to talk to me.  But today, we were both set free!!!  I am grateful for the gospel that teaches me to have self discipline, to forgive, and let go.  There is a time and season for things to happen... if it hasn't happened, just wait and be patient because the Lord will never fail at his promise!
 

Grateful Project 365

I sucked at keeping a journal, but with this brand new year, I am determined to start a happy/grateful project to record the simple things that makes me happy, or the kind gesture I received or provided to the people I interacted with.  Seven days has gone by, so tracing back to Jan 1 could be a little tricky. Here we go:

1/1 (Fri)

Grateful for the opportunity to play for Bro. McCuxx's funeral yesterday.  He was a quiet man with lots of integrity.  Many good memories were shared, and I guess this is what we all strive for in the end of life.  Not how successful we are with our career, but what good we left behind.  We sure will miss him.

Happiness is when I got the text that Jeannie is back to Provo safe and sound.  I was really worried about the snow and ice on the ground, but the roads were clear when as Arayxx drove her home.

Grateful for the friends who thought of us and invited us to a dinner/karoke gathering for the New Year.

1/2 (Sat)

Grateful for the missionaries who came to our house for dinner and uplift us with their message.  I could feel how happy they are while serving a mission. 

Thankful that we were able to provide a place for Evan and his friends to party.. though I disapproved and rolled my eyes when I saw them throwing ping pong balls into the plastic cups filled with soda.  

1/3 (Sun)

Grateful for Sarah's effort in preparing and presenting the 2015 RS end of year video.  The pictures of the individual sisters and group made me realize how unique we are and how much we needed each other -- to lean on and thrive in the gospel. 

1/4 (Mon)

So happy that I got some cool stuff, made it to the post office, and mailed out the birthday package to Jeannie before 4pm (the mail lady said the package should be there by Thursday.  And I finally nailed at a post from pinterest... the melting snowman is not that difficult to reproduce.  

Grateful that I passed the ISA test from LLS!  Waiting for the next big step!

1/5 (Tue)

Glad that Jady and I got to spent 1/2 hour playing with the keyboard/sythesizers/workstation at SamAxx after her violin lesson.  What a great way to help her realize that everyone can create music. Playing/practicing instrument is fun and never should be a drag.

Such a relieve to hear that there is yet another option to work for the company.  I was pretty worried that my hours would leave me without much flexibility but Teresa told me that I could sign in as a freelancer and work whenever I want.  I was thrilled to hear about the opportunity.  The Lord knows me and probably laughs at a commitment runner like me. 

1/6 (Wed) 

Thankful for the sweet postman who closed my PO box account without putting a charge on my late payment and one missing key.  Don't think I would ever receive the same treatment had it been a different person at the office.

Grateful for the little candy treat Ana Garxx gave me on my way out to the chapel last night.  She was such a great friend and sister.  I love her sweet family!

   

   

    

Trip to NC and UT

It's been a tiring month since we made the trip to NC and then UT for the past two weeks.  It was definitely worth it and we got the house we wanted in NC.  My emotions were going up and down because I couldn't decide on whether we've made the decision.  I still had that picture in my head of serving in a small temple with pastel green color carpet.  We didn't go to the temple this time so I couldn't confirm for sure whether this is the one.  Somehow, I had two spiritual experience as I walked into the chapel next to the temple.  The members there were super helpful.  Since we are not moving to the house until two years after, I was a little worry of leaving the house vacant.  However, we bumped into the stake patriarch and somehow they knew a member couple lives right on the same street as us.  I felt great about this and do not believe this is a coincidence.  As we went back to PA, I felt the butterflies in my tummy because of the bad reviews from the builder off the internet.  It was a crazy few days before we headed to UT.  I called on members who were handymen/investors in NC for references to a good inspector.  We got a few good responses and comments from them.  It was a good feeling that things will be okay.  Looking forward to what will happen next.

Trip to UT was adventurous!  Johnny couldn't find his DL as we were at the airport.  We waited for Christine Reyxx to get his passport to the airport but she got stuck in traffic and didn't arrive until Johnny tried to get the exception from the airline security.  I so wanted to cry... that was the last thing I was expected and I so not wanted to go on the trip by myself with the kids.  Anyway, the people let Johnny went on the plane with his Costco ID and his personal check.  We got there safely and thanks to sweet Dodie who allow us to stay in her master bedroom for the whole duration of time even thought her son wasn't home.  

We went to the live temple session on Thur it was really neat.  Did I even mention that I forgot about my temple recommend.  Boy, it was insane!  I called the bishop and thank goodness that he was working from home that day when the temple worker called him to verify!  :)   We were saved twice in just two weeks!  I am just impressed that the workers were able to memorize all the script.  It's not an easy task!!  Then, we went out to a sushi dinner with Jeannie.  It was so awesome to see my girl!  Love her and miss her so, so much!  The next day, I went to have lunch with Hal, who I haven't seen for 20+ years I believe.  His companion baptized me when I was 17.  Thank goodness that he was doing well despite of the divorce.  We didn't get seated and served until 1:00pm so Johnny wasn't able to pick me up.  Hal offered to drive me back to campus.  Super nice of him!   Don't know why, but I had a weird feeling that I've known him for a long, long time although I seriously don't know much about him.  After picking up up Jady at badminton, we walked on campus and waited for Jeannie and was introduced with Sister Anderson, Jeannie's companion.  She looked so shy!  :)  Then we went to Jerry's house for dinner with the Chans.  It was so fun to see everyone after we all left from BYUH.  It's been way too long and I truly learned to love FB for giving us an opportunity to find and reconnect with people.  Everyone is doing well and the kids are so grown up now!  After dinner, we took Christian to the house, Evan was really happy hang out with his "brother".  We were glad that he was able to join us for a day.  The next morning, we had lunch with Jeannie's roommate. She is so blessed to have such a wonderful roommate!  So sweet!  And the boys headed out to the preisthood session while I stayed home with Jady making dumplings and preparing food for the next night.  When the boys came home, Jeannie and Johnny had a fight before we went for ice cream. Johnny wanted Jeannie to stay over night so that we could head out together to the afternoon General conf. session but Jeannie insisted on staying at the apartment.  Johnny was upset that Jeannie didn't really put the family first.  Well, I felt like she tried as much as she could.  Anyway... long story short.  We made it to the conference session, but I think I was in such a rush in the past couple of days that I kind of lost my spirit.   We went back to Dodie's and fixed dinner for Jeannie's roommate... what a nice group of girls!!!!  So glad that my daughter well being taking care of.  

    

Guardian Angel

Think I probably need to write this down before I forgot... I always heard about people saying about guardian angel but I don't always feel them around.

However a few weeks ago, I had this dream and it had changed my view on guardian angel.  In the dream, I was frustrated in sorting out something and Johnny was there as well but didn't extend the help somehow.  So, this angel came and helped with much patience.  My feeling was that he will always be there for me.  I felt strong that he would take care of all my problems.  He kissed me and left. I woke up that day wondering if it was real... I still thought it was just a dream and nothing was significant.  It was the time I had my new calling and I had a lot of anxiety about my duty and it was also the time that I was looking for some healthy alternative to feed the kids for snacks.  Should have written the spiritual experience down right away (big mistake)... but I remembered saying my prayer, smiling in the sky knowing that he was there to save/inspire me to accomplish the task.  I felt very strong of his presence.  The other one was that I found two kitchen gadgets to make kid's snacks (not but two almost like new gadgets I found from goodwill).  They gadget will allow me to make healthy snacks instead of buying junks from the store.  I am grateful for this angel who protects and helps me when I am in need.  I know they are real!!!